Walter couldn't believe his eyes. After years of having nothing on the back page of the Standard Harwich rugby club were plastered all over the front page-

TWO HARWICH RUGBY FANS ARRESTED FOR ASSAULT WITH DEADLY WEAPON

Walter was appalled. He read on- Two leading members of Harwich rugby club, Chevor Armstrong and John Carter, were arrested last night after an intense investigation by Romford police. It is alleged that during a game against Campion, Armstrong armed with a touch judge's flag (a yellow one) attacked a small man standing nearby. An eye witness Bill Teatheredge said 'It was awful Chevor completely lost it. The small man only questioned his decision. Chevor then started poking the man with his flag.'

I said 'Put the flag down Chev' Chev said 'You'll never take me alive' I said 'Come on son you've got too much to lose. Think of the dog. Put the flag down nice and slowly' Chev then started to cry and just stood there. Carter shouted 'LET HIM HAVE IT CHEV' It was awful, frightening. Then Carter said 'I'm going to have you' to the man.

Walter couldn't believe what he was reading. He read on-

Both men made off but were traced through highly unusual muddy footprints left at the scene. It appeared that one man was wearing two left boots and the other two right ones. In the early hours of Tuesday morning both men were arrested at their home addresses along with the boots. Armstrong was bound over and Carter has been returned to a nice place where they play piped music.

Blimey thought Walter I didn't realise what these people were like. He made a note to make sure Barry ran the line in the next game.

Walter needed a drink. He knew that it was the Christmas committee meeting down the club. Perhaps he could make sense of life there.

When he arrived Walter was pleased to see that rehearsals for the Nativity were in full swing-

'Now come on darlings let's have a little more ooomph' said Paddy Francis 'I know it's tiresome'

Paddy was a good director thought Walter. He was impressed with how Paddy had strung up Sewelly and Big Greeny so they swung naked like cherubs in the sky. The thought occurred to Walter that if this was a Van Eyck painting he wouldn't have needed a great deal of paint for certain parts of these bodies. In the corner sat the three wise twins. Walter laughed, he could never make out who was Simon, Tucker or Geordie.

Standing at the back was young Millsy with arms outraised. He was God as usual and Walter was never sure if that glow around him was real or not.

Walter hadn't been pleased when he heard that Kier was originally only a Shepherd. But that had been rectified so Kier took his rightful place as Joseph. Walter knew Kier was the best Joseph. Poor Grant Bernard who was originally Joseph had been demoted to a background tree as Paddy thought he was a bit of a plank. Charlie was livid.

Walter was pleased to see that the Christmas committee comprised of Bill, Woodsy, Oggy and Dave Chilver. Walter sat down just as the meeting began.

'Okay lads' said Bill 'We have to make decisions about Christmas in the club. So I suggest we start with the lights'

'Oh I don't like fights' said Woodsy

'Why do we need to fly kites?' asked Oggy ' Only a **** would fly them'

'No I don't punt' said Dave 'My boat's got an engine and its white'

'Yes I quite agree Dave the lights should be bright' said Bill

'No I'm not going out tonight' said Woodsy 'I will stay in'

'You're not thin' said Oggy 'You're a fat ****'

'Yes I think duck would make a nice change' said Dave.

'People may see it as being strange but we should give it a go.' Said Bill.

Walter groaned and put his head in his hands. Then a thought struck him- He had often been criticised for not buying or offering to buy a round but with this lot not hearing a word it was his great opportunity.

'Anyone like a drink' He said quietly.

'Very nice Walter' said Bill 'I'll have an IPA' 'Same for me' said Dave.

Walter groaned and reached for the half crown he had saved for Christmas. Could it get any worse

'Walter I do love Christmas don't you' said Kieran Phelan sniffling back a tear. 'I was born in a barn just like Jesus'

'F*** off' said Walter

'Language Walter' said Oggy.

Walter wondered home through the snow. Life just wasn't getting any better. When he got home a Flock of Seagulls were on his lawn. 'SHOO GO AWAY' Shouted Walter

'Only wanted to play a tune Walter' said Mike Score.

'Like I said SHOO GO AWAY'

'Is he always like this?' Score asked Cliff, Hank, Ray Davies and fifty thousand Moors

'Only when he has had to spend money' They replied(in unison)

That night Walter tried to cheer himself up by thinking how he would tell the three spirits who visited him every Christmas Eve to bugger off again. As he lay there he thought of recent events- How Barry Male had returned from his trip to the Far East with long hair and a camouflaged bandana around his head saying what a bad time he had in 'Nam. The main disappointment came when Walter learnt that Gouldy was home and not in a warehouse in Chingpang Woo playing Russian Roulette.

Walter turned over and dozed off. He had a strange dream about Ed Mayhew running around his bathroom naked with a melon.

Epilogue

It was Christmas Eve when they came to pick Melv up. He was rambling-'Why me? All I wanted was a drink. Get the 12.16 it's a nice bus. I don't like Kit-Kats. Trevor.' He had boarded up the doors and pulled the phone out of the socket. His wife had had enough.

Melv felt nice and warm in the white jacket the men had given him. They took him to a nice place where they played piped music. Melv had just started to feel calm when there came a voice he knew.

'Hello my name is John. I've got five o levels. Do you like my boots?'

EXPLANITORY NOTES

I have recently been asked to explain the various aspects of Walter's Weekly-

Harwich played Campion in a cup game in Romford. Chevor ran the line as was accused of cheating by a spectator. Chevor offered the flag to this person. Later the same man said something else which caused John, in a rather animated manner, to tell this person to be quiet. The Campion supporters later apologised saying they had never seen this obnoxious little man before.

John and Chevor are very proud of the new boots they have just acquired.

There are rumours that Bill, Woodsy, Dave and Oggy are slightly hearing impaired.

Kieran Phelan is a farmer. (amongst other things)

Barry Male and Gouldy went on a month's tour of the Far East recently. I'm sure you've all seen 'The Deer hunter'

Melvin tried to organise a day out to the Mistley game which turned out to be an abject failure. However, he has made lots of new friends.

NO OLD FARTS WERE INJURED OR CAUSED DISTRESS IN THE WRITING OF THIS. ALL CHARACTERS ARE PURELY FICTITIOUS. THEY HAVE TO BE COULD YOU BELIEVE ANY OF THIS REALLY HAPPENED!

Walter couldn't believe his eyes. The splash on the back page of the Standard read- RONALDO MAY SIGN FOR HARWICH AND PARKESTON. Walter read on eagerly-Ronaldo might sign for Harwich if they can raise £80 million pounds and reach Europe this year. If not they will have to make do with the 9 players they have got left this season. Typical thought Walter and read on. HARWICH RUNNER GOES FOR TRAINING RUN ALONG SEAFRONT IN THE DARK-Pictures on pages 10-15.

The phone rang. 'Hello it's me' Walter groaned. It was John Carter.

'Hello John' Replied Walter.

'Who are you?' asked John. God, here we go again thought Walter. 'It's Walter.'

'What are you doing in Barry's house?' asked John. 'I'm not' sighed Walter 'I'm at home'

'Why did you ring me?' asked John. Walter sighed again. This happened three or four times a day.

'You rang me John' said Walter wearily. 'NO I DIDN'T!' Exclaimed John 'Why don't you just leave me alone. I've got five o levels you know' John put the phone down.

The phone rang. It was Bill Teatheredge. Walter liked Bill. He enjoyed the nights they spent star gazing. Bill was very good at star recognition. Walter wished he was like Bill and could recognise the basic things such as the three twins he had playing for him: Tucker, Geordie and Chimpy. He kept getting confused as to what positions they were supposed to be playing, especially when chimpy kept running into the biggest blokes on the field.

As they were both learning German, Bill and Walter decided to practice the language when discussing the recent games.

'Alfie ist eine dumbkoff' said Bill

'Ich agree' said Walter. They both laughed (in German) HA HA 'UND Bennett runsa ina circlesa'

'Ja' said Bill 'Und Phelan ist eina cryina babi.' 'Ja' agreed Walter. They both laughed again ( in German) HA HA

'Und vat do you thinka of Kier?' asked Walter 'Oh, he's really good' Replied Bill. 'Ja I agree' said Walter

The next call was from Sam Male. 'Walter it's Sam. I just wanted to point out that I keep either getting man of the match or runner up. I get loads of votes. Last week I got ooone, twooooo errr'

'Three?' asked Walter

'Yes, three. How did you know?' asked Sam

'Haven't you noticed that there is a common denominator to the voting? Asked Walter

'I don't know what a cumon demolition is' said Sam 'But my mummy, daddy and my girlfriend always watch me and always think I play really, really, really, really, really, well'

'Erm' said Walter 'It will be interesting to see how you get on when mummy and daddy go away'

'Are they going away?' asked Sam. Walter was surprised Sam hadn't been told. Walter explained that they were leaving him and running away for good.

'What will I do?' asked Sam

'What about your girlfriend?' asked Walter

'She only comes over now and again for sleepovers' said Sam 'I will just have to stay at home and play by myself'

'Erm' said Walter knowingly.

Walter needed a drink. At the club he saw Barry, Cath, Gouldy and Chev gathered round a table.

'Walter' said Chev 'I would just like to say that tonight we are having a party would you like to come?'

'I'm a bit busy. Is it a birthday party?' asked Walter.

The others all looked at each other.

'Did you walk past the play park on your way down here?' asked Gouldy

'Erm, yes' Replied Walter

'Do you like going on swings?' asked Barry

'Gosh I haven't swung since I was six' replied Walter. The rest of them all looked shocked.

'Wow' said Cath 'So you like swinging then?'

Walter was baffled.

'You like music Walter' said Barry 'Do you like that old song 'England Swings like a pendulum do'?'

'Well I haven't heard it for years' said Walter. Do they want me to come to this bloody party or not he thought.

'I suppose if you went to a party where the car keys were put in the middle of a table whoever got yours would have to drive a clapped out old Volvo' Said Gouldy laughing.

This was too much for Walter. What were they on about? Anyway at least Walter had a car. He made his excuses and left.

As he walked up the road he looked affectionately at his Volvo. Suddenly he noticed the Kinks all over it.

'What the bloody hell are you lot doing' He said.

'Only wanted to play a tune Walter. How about Waterloo Sunset?' said Ray Davies

'No bugger off' said Walter.

As Walter lay in bed that night he wondered if things could get much worse. He adjusted his night cap and blew out his candle. Walter pondered. The only thing that would finish him off was if he got up in the morning and found some great big oaf like Eddy Mayhew naked in his bathroom. But that was too farfetched. Walter would sleep content... .

‘Walter’ Came a sobbing voice. Walter groaned. ‘It’s Kieran I, I, I think you are wonderful’

‘It’s okay Kieran, you are the skipper now you don’t have to go on like last season’ replied Walter

‘Yes, but I think you are wonderful’ Phelan sobbed ‘Tell me again that we are going to win the league this year. Please do please don’t hurt my feelins’

‘Kieran we are going to win the league this year’ Said Walter sighing.

‘Are you sure’ Kieran stifled his sobs.

‘FOR GOD’S SAKE YES’ Walter shouted

‘Well there’s no need to shout’ Kieran bawled and put the phone down. ‘Why me’ thought Walter picking up his brochure on coaching courses in Outer Mongolia. The phone rang.

‘Walter it’s Charlie. I’m fed up with Grant. With him it’s all take, take, take there is never any giving’

‘What’s wrong with you two this time’ Walter sighed wishing he hadn’t asked.

‘Well, we were going out for a nice ride on my bike. Now, I wanted to wear my black leathers. Well, Grant insisted on wearing that stupid Wasp’s shirt again. It’s ghastly Walter. Well we’re not talking now and I’m certainly not grabbing him in the second row this week!’

‘Have you phoned Dave Chilver the club welfare officer?’ Walter asked hopefully.

‘Yes, but all he said was wow man cool’

Walter managed, after a while, to pacify Charlie and suggested that Charlie should give and take more himself.

It was no good Walter needed a drink. Although it was a Sunday he decided to risk going down the club.

As he climbed the stairs of the club Walter could hear raucous laughter and the sounds of glass breaking. He gulped and opened the door to the club. The place fell silent and Walter was aware of 50 pairs of eyes looking at him from the other side of the club. It was the Dalby gang. Walter moved towards the bar. As he did so a male figure moved towards him from out of the group. It was Guy Billy Bob Williams Dalby.

‘What ya doin’ boy’ Guy Billy Bob Williams Dalby said spitting on the ground.

‘I just thought i’d have a drink’ Said Walter hesitantly

‘He said he just wanted a drink’ Guy Billy Bob Wiliams Dalby shouted over his shoulder to the rest of the gang. They all cackled.

‘Tell him there ain’t none’ laughed Karen Daisy Duke Joleen Williams Dalby Dalby.

Next Walter saw Sean Bob Billy John Boy Parker Dalby and David Bob Bob Bob Billy Mulligan Dalby start to saunter over. They both spat on the floor. ‘No wonder this club is a mess’ Walter thought.

‘You ain’t welcome here’ Sean Bob Billy John Boy Parker Dalby said menacingly.

‘How much money you got?’ Asked David Bob Bob Bob Billy Mulligan Dalby

‘A shilling’ replied Walter

‘He says he’s got a shilling’ David Bob Bob Billy Mulligan Dalby shouted over his shoulder to the gang. They all laughed. Suddenly a thunderous voice came from the middle of them.

‘LET HIM BE’ The gang murmured ‘LET HIM BE I SAID’ Out of the group emerged the figure of Pete Billy Bob John Boy Bob Billy Dalby. ‘Kill him pa’ Shouted Amanda joleen Karen Daisy Duke Parker Dalby. ‘HUSH NOW’ Said Pete Billy Bob john Bob Billy Dalby as he approached Walter.

‘You playin’ ma boy this week?’ Pete billy bob john boy bob Billy Dalby asked

‘Which one?’ Walter asked back. There was a sharp intake of breath from the gang.

‘ADRIAN BILLY BILLY BOB BOB BILLY PETER BILLY JOLEEN DAISY DUKE DALBY’ Said Peter (you get the idea) Dalby.

‘Er, yes’ Walter lied.

‘He said he’s playing Adrian Billy Billy Bob Bob Billy Peter Billy Joleen Daisy Duke Dalby’ Pete Billy Bob John boy Bob Billy Dalby shouted to the gang ‘He’s a sensitive boy ya know SO YOU TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM YA HEAR’

‘Which one?’ asked Walter. Pete Billy BOB John boy bob Billy Dalby groaned.

‘Look just make sure you play ma boy and you are welcome on a Sunday. No one else mind. Except Bill Teatheredge cause he’s a good man and I named my boys after him’ Said Pete Billy Bob John boy Bob Billy DALBY.

Walter had his drink and left. He wandered home worried about what a long season it was going to be. When he got home the Shadows were forming on the lawn.

‘What the bloody hell are you doing here?’ Walter asked

‘We only wanted to play a tune’ said Hank.

‘Well okay as long as you don’t try to sell me one of those t shirts celebrating your 40th anniversary tour’

‘Dont worry’ said Hank ‘only sad old middle aged people wear those. Makes them look like they are weird’

‘I agree’ Said Walter trying to think who he had seen in one recently ‘Where’s Cliff?

‘Having a wee on the Moors’ Replied Hank.

THIS WEEK'S MYSTERY GUEST IS?